The last picture of my son well and healthy and you can't even see him, sigh. Yes I was HUGE. The standing joke was I was Shamu and I should have been wearing a Moo-moo, LOL! Remember this is me 3 weeks early and I was miserable as I had gained around 100 lbs and was so swollen. I had started contraction 3 months before this picture and was on bed rest. I would give ANYTHING to go back to THAT moment of misery and excitement and play things out differently.
What a roller coaster ride. Tomorrow will bring on more emotions but I tend to use today as the "pity" day and celebrate tomorrow. Celebrate all of his accomplishments and the fact that I had another year to make wonderful memories with him. Something I thought I would never be able to do.
I look at that picture and see a women that no longer exsists! Am I a better person now, yes....but at what cost? The guilt I still hold....what if I pushed harder, what if I demanded a C-section, what if, what if , what if. All the what if's won't change things but I find myself going down that road once in awhile. I'm sure this year is alil harder as I'm not planning a Big Bash for his party (keeping busy keeps my mind off things) as I always do with friends, family, and Santa who always in his busy schedule makes a stop for Danny's special day.
Amazing how something so exciting and joyful can turn into the worst nightmare and the most painful episode in your life. For that Life is not Fair....to look back at the day your child is born and still have such fear. For your son to be born with no heart rate and not breathing....I was robbed of the wonderful experience. I can't look back at his delivery and say it was good one and for that my heart has this gaping hole. All the expectations flew out the door in ONE MOMENT!! I just screamed for him the live what else is a mother suppose to do? EVERYTHING was suppose to be OK.Well here I am five years later! What a difference in size.....but that's only what you can see, I am a TOTALLY different person inside too. My lifestyle, my attitude, my parenting, my friends, ME in general ALL DIFFERENT. It's not all bad, but I just wish all the dreams and expectations I had 5 years ago today still lived strong! I love my children so much words can not express....this is not what I had dreamed for them. For my daughter to ask why her friends brothers can walk, talk and play and NOT hers.....just breaks my heart. For my son to not even be able to eat a piece of birthday cake on his big day (and every birthday is a BIG day)....can you imagine? To wish the only emergency would be some stitches due to a fall on the driveway playing and running around with friends, not 14 surgeries under his belt at the rip old age of 5 and so MANY hospitalization I can't even count. To wonder EVERY MOMENT if this is the last MOMENT with him. You never know when but it only takes that ONE MOMENT ...... believe me I know! That fear lives deep down inside me, I try not to dwell, but it is always there. I had lost him once and he was brought back to me and with the close calls he has had it shows me how fragile your LIFE is. I LOVE YOU DANNY.......Tomorrow you are going to be 5, WOW!!!!! Thanks for keeping on fighting ....... as long as you have the fight in you I will FIGHT for you. MOM