My New Dreams
By Lori Osero mom to two special people
What's supposed to happen now? Where are the emotions supposed to go? Why did this have to happen? How am I going to be able to go on? These are questions that really will never have a straight answer or a right one for that matter. We live life as well as we can and hope for the best, but for some of us there is no best. At least that is what I had thought when my life was at the lowest point it could have.
Your life as you have dreamed has now turned into this horrific nightmare, and you are hoping that someone, anyone, will wake you. You feel numb because all the emotions soaring through you are too overwhelming to except. You are listening to everything that is said hoping that there is a glimpse of good news that might get you through this day, but all you hear is words. Nothing seems to make sense or to be right. You sit and wonder about all the dreams you had made and grieve over them because they were the life you had anticipated and now the future scares you to no end. My dreams died!
No one asks for this, but you become one of the "chosen ones". The ones to love, care, and advocate for our children unconditionally. Is this an Honor? Most days it is but honestly there will be some days you will feel cheated, frustrated, and burnt out. The role of a "mom" switches to become someone that is much more. You almost have to lose part of who you were to become this "experienced caregiver". I am a better person now having to go through all this turmoil, but in the beginning I wasn't sure I was going to be able to be the person that these little bodies would need to survive.
As a parent that has a child with severe brain damage from birth, and another with a hereditary blood disorder I always kid about becoming a nurse without the degree. It's amazing how one can adapt when given a need.
Our story starts just like the movies. It was a cold and windy October morning and 8 weeks before my due date my water breaks. Unsure and scared of what would happen next I was taken to the hospital where this beautiful little girl was born. After a month of being in intensive care to learn how to eat and to teach us how to live with a child that has a blood disorder, they released her into my care and home we went. All night I sat and looked at this little being that was going to require a lot of care and wondered how they could send her home with me. After having to adapt to this I should have know it all.
Gambling with the fact that our next child would have a 50% change of having this blood disorder we went ahead and tried for another, not wanting our daughter to be an only child.
After a hard and difficult pregnancy we decided to induce our labor 3 weeks before the due date, just before Christmas so we would have enough time and be home for the holidays. The labor didn't go as smoothly as we would have wished. Our son delivered fighting for his life. Day after day we were hoping for the best, but were receiving the
worst, first we were told he had sustained a brain injury and more test would need to be performed. Remember this was a holiday week so things didn't move as fast as we would have hoped. On Christmas morning, the day of celebration and family I sit with this little boy clinging to life wondering what next and what did this little being do to deserve this. I was told that day that it didn't look good, if he made it to his first birthday it would be a miracle. That he would NEVER walk, talk, feed himself, or communicate is the bomb that dropped over me on this wonderful holiday season. How is a person supposed to act Sad? Mad? Happy? Guilty? This was supposed to be a happy time. My son was still here so why am I not happy. Nothing could be said or done could make this be better.
As I look back now I find those were all feelings I needed to go through to become the parent that these children need. You need to feel everything to possibly understand it. You will never lose the feelings of grief, frustration, and despair but you learn to enjoy what you have, not regret what you weren't given. My children give to me and anyone else who comes in contact with them something that no other can do an appreciation of life and a new dream.
I have learned in this short time there is a purpose to all this. In myself I have found to be a better person looking at the good and living life day to day to its fullest. Life is so unpredictable and I was naive to that. I have met some wonderful people and gone through things I would have probably never had to endure all because of these two wonderful, beautiful, loving children. I make my life they way it is, I chose to become a better person, and I will live on to keep the legacy of my children alive.
What gets me through life's trials and tribulations is that I am not alone in all this, and there are people out there that need my help and understanding to get through their day. If I can be someone else's ray of hope then to me this is all worth it. In the end I will survive and everyone will know I am and always will be a parent of children with special