Monday, September 27, 2010

False Hope n Helpless Feeling

So I'm stuck in this funk. I have this feeling of anxiety and helplessness. The whole one step forward and three steps back, grrrrrr. I can't help to look at those beautiful blue eyes and those cheeks and wonder......does he understand why? Can he possibly Love me with all that I have put him through. My heart aches the last few days. The fear of the unknown into the future and the feelings of despair from the past. To know that your child WON'T walk on his own, will NEVER eat by mouth, or CAN'T say Mom, is enough for a mother to take.....But as long as he is comfortable and happy right? Well I can't even achieve that for him and I just ache. It's one thing after another with my Sweet Boy. To know that your child has some sort of chronic discomfort darn near his whole's killing me. I'm suppose to make it all better, but I just can't. I hurt for my Lil Man. He cries, I cry.....I wish I could hurt when he hurts. Why does he have to go through more? When will the pain end? Where am I going wrong? How can I fix it? These are all questions I play over n over in my head everyday all day. I feel like I'm going insane some days. I hurt! The emotional pain is so mind boggling, I do so much better with the physical pain as then I can control it, to hurt so much inside and there's nothing you can do about it, sigh. Then to put on this face of "everything" is going to be alright. Will it? When? Then I find myself looking to years past of what's all happened to my sweet wonderful boy and I get angry at it all. Wondering how can he put that handsome smile on his face with everything that has happened to him. I really hate myself when I feel like this. I just want to scoop him up and run far far away. What to do? What's a quality of life? How does one achieve it? Who's quality is being considered? I'm just ill with emotions I'm suffocating in decisions. What's right ~ What's wrong ! Do you allow your child to be in pain to relieve him of another surgery? Do you increase pain meds so that when he builds a tolerance you keep upping the dose and in turn kill off/ damage more organs so he doesn't have surgery? Do you do surgery in hopes that "this time" it will take away the pain? Will the back steps from surgery be only temporary this time or will his system say enough is enough? Will this surgery take away the pain or will ANOTHER issue pop up after this one? It's bad enough he needs to undergo more surgeries just to maintain the hardware he already has on an ongoing basis. Does he understand that this is all for his own good? Does he just hate me for it? He can't even be picked up at times without him crying ...what kind of quality of life is that? How can a mother comfort her son when it hurts him to be moved? I'm just beside myself and overwhelmed. I do know it will all turn out but right now the decision making is brutal. I have to continually decide if my son should go under the knife time and time again when most parents might have to have there kids tonsils removed. I'm broken right now and I'm just trying to picking up the pieces. I have emails into some of Danny's doctors to get their insight to help me. I "think" I know what the next steps are already, but I just have to talk it through. These are no easy choices to make and my gut is telling me it's only going to get harder.
Once again I have another water feature inside my home. Looks as if the roof is leaking AGAIN. I'm just overwhelmed and amazed. One part of my just wants to choke someone and another says F*&$ it. I'm so DONE with it! But unfortunately it's just beginning AGAIN. I can only imagine what behind the walls and in attic look like. Once again I can only assume, as I'll be damned if I'm going up in the attic to check, that the water has saturated the insulation, wood, and drywall so now it's leaking through the ceiling and onto the hardwood floor. I might lose my mind with this house. If it wasn't such a good thing for Danny I swear I would move in a heart beat. It was designed and built to make our lives easier and all it's become is more DRAMA and work. Right now I HATE this house!
It's just another looks can be deceiving it/we may look like we/it have it together but inside we're/it is just falling apart. NEVER just a book by it's cover! Amazingly with all that I've been dealing with I've kept my symptoms at bay...for now. Sigh
Today Avrianna goes in at 3pm to have her hardware put on. She's still thinking this is going to be "cool", but my gut says around 4 pm this is not going to be neat anymore. We'll see how it goes and maybe I'll be able to get some before n after pics if she lets me. Wish her luck!
Thanks for stopping by to check in on us...sorry for the deary post but I'm hoping that now that it's out I can feel better. It never hurts a girl to dream

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