Wednesday, January 27, 2010


What a reality check the last few days has been for me. Since my Diagnosis of MS, this summer, it really hasn't effected me other then just an increase in fatigue and some added aches, but you all know me I keep on keeping on. Well since Thursday my life has been in a sudden free fall. It's amazing how fast your life can end up in a tail spin OVER and OVER and OVER again and you wonder when are you going to hit the ground. Just when you think you've been through the ringer enough in your life, BAM another mountain we're climbing.
I look at this face and know we are climbing this mountain together more then I had ever thought we would. My New DreaMS !! I am suppose to be the strong one, pulling him through and being his only true one given in life, but this last week scared me to the depts of the deepest hole. How long will I be able to really BE THERE for him? My biggest fan :) I love you Buddy more then you'll ever know.

Here's MY newest to the intense and sudden relapse of MS symptom this last week I have to go to the hospital for three days to get Big Dog steroids via IV and then I will be going on a round of oral steroids afterwards. This will hopefully settle the inflammation that is occurring in my brain and spinal cord giving me my symptoms of headache, blurred vision, body aches, and a MS hug wrapped around my chest. I can only hope that this is just a temp relapse and there hasn't been more permenant damage. My next MRI will show whats going on in there.

It's got me wondering what will be taken from me and when? I had thought I would be Lori who happens to have MS but lately I feel like MS. Once again have been rocked to my inner core wondering if "Can I do this". I truly am scared to death to even comprehend "What else" could my family endure. I know this is really my first experience with the hard core symptoms of MS but I can't help find myself drifting to those questions of WHAT will really be taken away from me with this disease and WHEN. I'm finding out you'll never know till it happens with this women woke up and couldn't see anymore and another had her legs just stopped working one day. Maybe this would be so much easier to deal with if I was older in age or maybe if I didn't have those two blue eyes in the wheelchair looking at me and depending on me for EVERYTHING. I know it won't be an easy road for Avrianna or Dan to watch me on my bad days and to watch the wife and mother their use to deteriorate, but they will go on, they are strong willed. I can only hope that I can go on living with just headaches, body aches, and blurred vision.......don't take ME away, please I'm begging you. I had someone ask me early on when Danny was born what was I truly afraid of.....Danny dieing first or me dieing first. That was a no brainer....ME first, as I knew he would be taken care of as long as I was around. Now I might be around and still not be able to take care of him....this is killing me.
I laid in bed the other night with my head hurting so bad I thought someone was using a screw driver in there. So am I getting the headaches because I can't focus right visa versa or are they just two different symptoms. I can't take a deep breath as I have this MS hug which feels as if I have weights on my chest. Then my body aches so bad there isn't enough Tylenol in the world to give me any relief. I laid there wondering is this MS or is this something else I should really be concerned about, is blaming the MS the right thing to do. I don't know! Am I have an aneurysm? Do I have a brain tumor? Am I having a heart attack? Will I be ok when I wake up in the morning or will I be very different? Will I be here in the morning?
BUT this is just a bad day with a full relapse so my fears and frustrations are at their peak. I WILL fight this with every sense of my being........because I am a mom of two wonderful children that need me! I need to be strong for their sake. I want Avrianna to look back at her mom knowing I was a good mom that tried to fight MS. This poor lil girl has to see and endure so much in her "normal" life, she deals with her brother being different and a mom who is "sick". Where's the justice in this, why does she have deal with this. She is growing up faster then she needs to, and for that I truly am devastated. Will it make her stronger person? Maybe, I can only hope there is some good that can come out of ALL this.
Today is a NEW day and they are working on cure for this disease everyday, I can only hope I will be able to see it in my life time. Until then I am going to work hard at making my life choices better and try to fight this! I am going to do some research on what kind of diet I can do to improve my symptoms. I will continue to take my medicine and treatments when things get bad. I am Lori who just happens to have MS, I will NOT be MS!
I hear all the time ..... I know so n so who has MS but you'd never know it. I hope I can be that MS person that others talk about, but please understand some days it's all a front and I am just hurting inside. I can't be everything, every time, and I will need help not only physically but emotionally. You my dearest friends and family will be my UP. Please pick me up when I've fallen on the ground. Please pick me UP when my emotions have just crashed. I know I can count on you to be my support and sounding board, but PLEASE don't pity me. I will be strong!!

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