Struggle

Today is my day ~ to drop my mask, stop the act, unload the feelings which are all things I work very hard at keeping to myself.  I allow myself THIS DAY to feel the struggle, play the what if's, wonder what the dream might have been.  The struggle and fight is real, it hurts, and it's lonely.  Many a Mom or Dad that has a child with special needs can understand and for that reason I write ~ I know I'm NOT ALONE.  Even though on the outside I look as if my act is put together, I'm a rock, a "Supermom" if you will, but in the inside I'm a mess and there is a dark spot that I tuck away and don't let out very often ~ the hurt, anger, despair, guilt, helplessness and sadness that I have.

13yrs ago today was the last day my son was not hurting, he was not struggling, he was safe and healthy wrapped up perfectly getting ready to make his debut into this world.  My job was to protect him.......and I failed him.  His first few moments I can't even imagine as they were unfathomable and painful, so much so that the injuries left him fighting for his life and struggling to live EACH AND EVERY DAY of his life there after .  I trusted the medical team and I will forever be sorry and feel extreme guilt that I didn't do my job to protect him from harm.

Today Dec 22nd 13 yrs ago I was a different person, life was different, and there was NO WAY I could have imagined or prepared myself for how my life would be FOREVER CHANGED.  Today I struggle with the false hope, the broken dreams and what life could have been for my son from big to the small things.   Just as the naive expecting mother wondered...... but now knowing I will never find the answers

~ I wonder what his voice would sound like and morn the lost words "I LOVE YOU"

~ I wonder what his personality would be like and cry for the empty embrace of a hug

~ I wonder what kind of relationship he would have with his sister and feel helpless for her ongoing worry that she has for him

~ I wonder what sport he'd be in

~ I'm saddended for the lost friendships he will never have

~ What would his favorite food be

~ Does he even like firetrucks

~ Did he feel the hurt when he was born

~ Does he KNOW how proud I am of him and how much I LOVE HIM

~ Can he ever forgive me when I find it so hard to forgive myself

The list goes on and on and on ~

Hug your loved ones and don't take anything for granted....even the smallest things as for some of us we struggle with what will never be.

Tomorrow is a new day and a day to celebrate a BIG MILESTONE of 13 years ~ a TEENAGER!!  WOW ~ Turning 13,  for a boy with a traumatic start and a grim outlook of "It will be a miracle if he makes it to his first birthday".  Tomorrow and the next 364 days I will celebrate everything he is and everything he has become, I will continue to fight his fight, Be his voice, and enjoy each and every moment I have with him  ~ He's my MIRACLE and I'm so proud he's MY SON!

Today just hurts