Monday, February 13, 2012

I Matter

WOW ~ who needs to go to therapy when I have YOU guys! I'm truly blessed to have a great support system. I can't express how appreciative I am to have my blog family. You guys are amazing! Even if you haven't "reached out" I can SEE that you care, by all the visits my blog has gotten. I don't know why I strayed away from here as I know blogging is MY get it ALL out there ~ the good, the bad AND the Ugly. It's MY outlet and a place where people can go to see what we're up too, feeling, and going through. A place I can write down everything that is spinning in my head. Not only to just capture it (so I can stop thinking about it), but a place I can also hold myself accountable.

To show someone else that may be out there that they are not ALONE. I'm NOT perfect ....

I'm just ME!

Funny how I don't look at or treat myself the same way I would others. The drive I have to take care of my kids and give them the best quality of life is my STRONG point, don't mess with this MOMMA BEAR, but when it comes to me.....well the spark is not there.


I understand that there are things that I just have to settle with with my life, but then there are others things that I just NEED to do. I need to push myself to BE out there. I need to be honest with myself.....I guess I've been in denial and suppressed many of my "feelings", I've coasted along, numb of my emotions. I put a smile on my face and went on as if life is rosy. So was I crazier to make things looks ok, or am I nuts now? I'm struggling with what's the right way to "feel". I look back at what I wanted for my life and I just wanted to be "simple", a wife and mother. My life should be GREAT, right? I'm married, I have two wonderful kids, a beautiful house, I don't have to worry about finances BUT here I am..........struggling with myself.

Filled with WORRY and ANXIETY!

There are SO MANY things that are out of my control. What in the hell makes me so damn not only "endure" all of this, but to be the one to be in "control" of it all too. Am I really good enough? Am I strong enough? Why ME? "Life" hasn't been the easiest and yet I've pushed through....... so why do I KEEP getting MORE? What a cruel joke....lets see how much Lori can take before she snaps!

Will she?


So after my last post I really didn't know what I was to do or where I needed to go, but I knew I needed something......ANYTHING! I am floating out of reach with myself and I just need to get grounded. Even though it was hard to admit and "expose" my feelings last post I felt this awkward sense of "help" after hitting PUBLISH POST. That was my first acceptance to change ..that I needed to come back to ME. I NEED to not only treat MS, and take care of the kids but I need to treat and take care of MYSELF too. Why do I always sell MYSELF short? I know it's going to be a long, tiring, and forever going trip but I NEED to do this. I realize it's NOT going to be easy and some days I will feel utterly defenseless and defeated, but I will continue to push through.

Lately I've come across some weird "encounters" with the "media" (aka tv, book,s and radio) as they seem to know what I need. Let me explain (I'm not TOTALLY NUTS, I swear)....right after I posted my last post I sat down to watch some TV. What was on? Dr Oz, who had Montel on the show, talking about his MS treatment that has helped with his energy levels. Well wasn't that Cool ... I need that !! I was excited - For the first time in a while, I was excited! I went straight to my computer and started to print off all of his advice. I think it's a START - it's right in front of my face, how much more clearer did I need the message to get moving. It was a wake up call. One of Montel's statements was, "it was time to get busy living instead of getting busy dieing". In not so many words I say this all the time towards Danny's quality of life so why didn't I connect it to mine? Guess I just needed to hear the words.
Here are the linkes to the show:

The next morning while I was getting ready these two songs play back to back and I had this ah ha light bulb moment
"Who Says" by Selena Gomez -

I SAY!! It's up to me! No one is going to do this for me, so I Say it time to get out of this funk!

"There She Stands" by Michael Smith

I know this song is about the Statue of Liberty and how she stands after all the diversity, but I can relate. I WILL stand!
I bought some books to read on MS and the first one I started is "Awkward Bitch" ~ it's wonderful. This woman is heart felt, raw and TRUE! She calls it how it is....MS SUCKS!! Not only is this a painful physical disease, but the emotional craze is also very very REAL! Not knowing what the next day, hell the next minute, will bring, is very SCARY. Not to mention enduring daily pain and vision issues is enough to send anyone to the NUT house. Depending on the day I even feel as if I've already entered the funny farm, when I look at things and it looks like I'm looking at them in warped blurry mirrors.... I can only imagine the effects it takes on my "abilities" of which I either don't notice or will tend to ignore. I've acknowledge that I have MS but I haven't excepted it yet....does that make any sense?
There's been a lot going on with me & Danny, many would say this....whatever I am going through, is justifiable. BUT in my eyes it's not me, it's not ok, and I'm just trying to figure it all out.
The kids are doing well. Avrianna is LOVING dive and continues to do wonderful in school. Tonight she is on a date with her dad they went Bowling for a Girl Scout event. I hope they have a blast. Danny is (on the Danny scale) doing good. He's been teetering with a respiratory funk not a full blown illness but just not his "normal". He's been having A LOT of neurological "episodes" again and we are waiting to hear back from his neurologist on what we should do. The pain in his leg has been doing much better and for that I am thankful. Seeing him cry EVERY day was a killer, I'm NOT going to lie. Dan has been a busy man, I know BIG surprise. The newest Clothes Hamper Coin Laundry is due to open the end of the month. It's located in Oshkosh on Jackson St. Things are progressing nicely and the store is looking GREAT!
Thanks for checking on us!!

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